Family Heirloom

I received a phone call around 22h00 one evening from my grandmother. At first I was concerned something was wrong but I soon learnt that my grandmother had only called to tell me she had something to give me that belonged to my late grandfather. My grandfather had passed away a couple of months ago and my grandmother has since been giving each family member something special in remembrance of him. My grandmother told me that before my grandfather had died, they had discussed this specific heirloom and they had both agreed it reminded them of me and I would love it.


This is what my beloved grandfather left me:

Just in case you can't make out what it is, it is a skunk/squirrel tail key ring. I am not exactly sure why this reminded my grandparents of me, and I will probably never use it as a key ring, but I do love it and will keep it forever!


(The key ring is currently taking residence in my mother's car until I go home to collect it. She fears it will trigger her allergies should she take it into the house).


That's all. 

Worst Pick-Up Line

Patient: Are you that actress?


OT: No


Patient: Weren't you in that movie?


OT: I highly doubt it.


Patient (to his friend): Remember we saw her in that movie last night?


Patient's friend: Ummm...


(Security guard who has become annoyed with the patient's loitering makes a few remarks in Xhosa and both the patient and his friend disperse).


That's all.

Why I Deserve a Lower Car Insurance Premium

• I carry a hand made funnel, for petrol emergencies, in my boot.
• I know where my fuse box is.
• I know what a fuse box is.
• I know how to change a fuse (all thanks to a helpful friend).
• I drove into a boom-gate and came out unscathed.
• I am able to change a tyer and jump start a car (both involve flashing some leg).
• I've misplaced my car but always end up finding it eventually.

That's all.

Politically Correct

On a some-what serious note, individuals should strive to use terms that do not carry any negative connotations. Here are a few you might be unaware of:

• The term Mentally Retarded should be replaced with Intellectually Impaired.
• Psychiatric Patients are now known Mental Health Care Users.
• A Schizophrenic no longer exists but is rather termed a Person with Schizophrenia.
• A Dwarf  should be referred to as Vertically Challenged (OK I'm kidding about this one but I still wont go around calling anyone a dwarf).

That's all.

Some Common Misbeliefs Held by People From Rustenburg

• Converse Allstars are the devils shoes.
• Lizards in trees are actually crocodiles.
• Geckos enjoy jumping on women and sucking blood from their breasts.
• Anyone with brown skin and vaguely straightish hair is WITHOUT a doubt Indian.

That's all.

Born This Way

Some people cannot understand why I am always sleepy. What they do not understand is that this is and has always been a part of my personality:


One afternoon, when I was 4 years old, I wanted to have a nap but my mother refused to let me sleep until I had eaten my lunch. My mother placed me at the kitchen table in front of a plate of scrambled eggs and tomotoe sauce and left the room. A few minutes later she returned to find me sleeping with my face in the plate of scrambled eggs and tomotoe sauce. Up until this day I do not eat scrambled eggs and tomotoe sauce...


That's all

Pica

Four ways to increase your daily dietary intake of roughage:

• grass
• hard boiled egg with the shell on
• cigarette butts
• wood glue
• talcum powder
• paper

That's all.

The Bachelorette

As I could not make it to a special friend's bachelorette party recently, I have decided to dedicate a post to her instead.


Some random factoids about our friendship:

• She closes her ears when she goes to toilet as she feels this will prevent other people from hearing her tinkle (how she rationalizes this in her head I am not sure).
• At work we made a mean team. During the skeleton staff Xmas period we manned all 13 wards, spring cleaned the department and we were still able to leave early.
• We have the same sense of humour: dark and random that few understand and when seated together at a dinner table things tend to get rowdy.
• Have shared deep late night conversations and woken up with virgin hangovers.
• She gave me her bed while she slept on the floor.
• We are from completely different backgrounds and religions but share very similiar morals and values.
• I introduced her to 'Napolenan Dynamite' and 'Outsourced' and she introduced me to 'Pushing Daises and Hot Rod'
• She makes lovely vegatarian/halaal food when I visit.
• She is a fair faced Arikaans meisie who is easily mistaken as Indian
• We get along so well because I am a Pine and she is a Lollipop and this is apparently the best combination of personality types (according to Evergreen Parenting). It is a good thing her fiance is a Pine too.

The invite requested you to provide a song that reminds you of the bachelorette. The song that will always remind me of her is: 


'Coming Undone' The Korn vs Coldplay version
Keep holding on

When my brain's ticking like a bomb
Guess the black thoughts
Have come again to get me

Sweet bitter words
Unlike nothing I have heard
Sing along, mockingbird
You don't affect me

That's right
Deliver it to my heart
Please strike
Be deliberate

Wait, I'm coming undone
Unlaced, I'm coming undone
Too late, I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate

Wait, I'm starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate

Choke, choke again
I find my demons were my friends
Getting me in the end
They're out to get me

Since I was young
I tasted sorrow on my tongue
And this sweet sugar gun
Does not protect me

That's right
Trigger between my eyes
Please strike
Make it quick now

Wait, I'm coming undone
Unlaced, I'm coming undone
Too late, I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate

Wait, I'm starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate

I'm trying to hold it together
Head is lighter than a feather
Looks like I'm not getting better
Not getting better

Wait, I'm coming undone
Unlaced, I'm coming undone
Too late, I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate

Wait, I'm starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate

Dark and beautiful like my friend...

That's all.

Just Another Ordinary Day at the Office

Overheard in a ward round:


Doctor: Mr L why are you so angry with the nurses?


Mr L: These strange women come into my room at all hours of the night and fiddle with me!


Doctor: Mr L the nurses have to come in and take your blood pressure.


Mr L: For what?! I have WATER running through these veins NOT BLOOD!


Doctor: (Sigh). Ok. Mr L do you remember how you got that bruise on your arm?


Mr L: No.


Doctor: You fell in the shower last week.


Mr L: That wasn't me. It was one of my other three personas.


That's all.