A Randy Poodle

My landlord's Maltese Poodle tends to get frisky with his blanket now and again and this has caused a certain memory of mine to resurface.


Many years ago, when my beloved Maltese Poodle was still alive the following incident occurred:


One summers day, my father and I witnessed my poodle having his way with a rather large beach ball on the grass next to the pool. Sensing my conservative father's disgust, I attempted to ease the tension with a witty comment: "Mini-me stop humping the laser!" This unfortantely, only served to further aggravate my father and he retorted: "You can see this dog is from Lavender Hill!" (a rough area on the Cape flats), before storming off.


That's all.

A Creative Defaulter

Patient: Hi


OT: Hi DJ! Where have you been?! You have missed your appointments for the last 4 months!


Patient: I've been busy.


OT: Busy doing what?


Patient: I took up swimming.


OT: Swimming... OK good, can we make an appointment for you for next month?


Patient: I'm sort of occupied.


OT: Are you coming to collect medication next month?


Patient: Yes.


OT: OK so on that day you won't be occupied. Come and see me after you collect your medication.


Patient: The thing is I normally see Mishka.


OT: Mishka stopped working here nearly a year ago. You know that. You have been coming to see me for months now.


Patient: After Mishka left I used to see Lauren.


OT: There has never been a therapist by the name of Lauren that worked here. DJ are you trying to avoid me because I make you work hard in therapy and don't accept excuses?


Patient: No


OT: OK. Ill see you next month then :-). What time can I expect you?


Patient: Ummm...


OT: ( Looks at patient's appointment card). You can come and see me at 08h30.


Patient: Make it 09h00.


OT: But you are collecting your medication at 08h00. You know you normally come to me after you put your card in the box, so let's make it at 08h30.


Patient: Ill see you at at 09h00.


OT: (Sigh)


Lets hope DJ pitches for his appointment tomorrow.


That's all.

One Inappropriate Weekend

1 long weekend + 1 wedding + 1 party of crazy friends (that is the real collective noun of friends believe it or not) = random memories to last a lifetime.
Here are a few quotes from that weekend:

• "You not as regular as me."

• "Be a salmon, first you go upstream, then you have sex, then you die. It's not so bad!"

• "Dasheen- an Indian name."

• "Gallstones are pretty."

• "Nebneb- the sound of a mating stallion."

• "Slumboes- a slumber party for hobos."

• "Don't trip."

• "Use my protection stick."

• "...and they psych, so what would they know."

• "I'd love it if you stuffed money in my pants."

• "Ons gaan nou braai...maar as die weer sleg is gaan ons nou..."

• "Wetward."

• "Wiggle wiggle."

• "You are squashing my potatoes."

• "You can have my mangoes."

• "Yours is so big... that's what she said...

• (Laughing really loudly at the speech) "What did she say?" "I have no idea."

• "A sadist... oh someone who worships Satan."

• "Isn't that called a domanatrix?"

• "I control your tan line."

• "That child is too self-assured to be adopted."

• "That little boy would be so cute if he wasn't a kwashi."

• "Up your bum!"

• "What is it?" "Its a cocaine strip." "What does it smell like?" "Paper."

• 'You're soft...like a marshmallow."

• "May your year be full of sunshine and ramps."

• "You are so thin, I don't know where to hold."

• "I love embryos."

• "There is no lock on the bathroom door...please control your emotions."

That's all.

A Skinny Black Cappuccino

The following conversation took place in a restaurant in Durban:


Customer: Can I have decaf cappuccino please?


Waiter: OK. Do you want a white cappuccino or a black cappuccino?


Customer: Ummm... what is a white cappuccino and what is a black cappuccino?


Waiter: A white cappuccino has milk, a black one doesn't...


Customer: (perplexed) Don't all cappuccinos have some form of milk in it?


Waiter: (silent) 


Customer: (Pages through the menu to have a look at the hot beverages page) Ohhhh! You mean a white chocolate cappuccino and a dark chocolate cappuccino .


Waiter: Yes.


Customer: I'll still have a regular decaf cappuccino thanks.


Waiter: OK.


(A little while later the waiter brings the beverages to the table and leaves)


Customer (to her friend): This is a dark chocolate cappuccino ... guess I look like a black  cappuccino kind of girl...


(Customer leaves the waiter a VERY large tip in the hope that she will use the money to buy herself a clue.)


That's all.