A Randy Poodle

My landlord's Maltese Poodle tends to get frisky with his blanket now and again and this has caused a certain memory of mine to resurface.


Many years ago, when my beloved Maltese Poodle was still alive the following incident occurred:


One summers day, my father and I witnessed my poodle having his way with a rather large beach ball on the grass next to the pool. Sensing my conservative father's disgust, I attempted to ease the tension with a witty comment: "Mini-me stop humping the laser!" This unfortantely, only served to further aggravate my father and he retorted: "You can see this dog is from Lavender Hill!" (a rough area on the Cape flats), before storming off.


That's all.

A Creative Defaulter

Patient: Hi


OT: Hi DJ! Where have you been?! You have missed your appointments for the last 4 months!


Patient: I've been busy.


OT: Busy doing what?


Patient: I took up swimming.


OT: Swimming... OK good, can we make an appointment for you for next month?


Patient: I'm sort of occupied.


OT: Are you coming to collect medication next month?


Patient: Yes.


OT: OK so on that day you won't be occupied. Come and see me after you collect your medication.


Patient: The thing is I normally see Mishka.


OT: Mishka stopped working here nearly a year ago. You know that. You have been coming to see me for months now.


Patient: After Mishka left I used to see Lauren.


OT: There has never been a therapist by the name of Lauren that worked here. DJ are you trying to avoid me because I make you work hard in therapy and don't accept excuses?


Patient: No


OT: OK. Ill see you next month then :-). What time can I expect you?


Patient: Ummm...


OT: ( Looks at patient's appointment card). You can come and see me at 08h30.


Patient: Make it 09h00.


OT: But you are collecting your medication at 08h00. You know you normally come to me after you put your card in the box, so let's make it at 08h30.


Patient: Ill see you at at 09h00.


OT: (Sigh)


Lets hope DJ pitches for his appointment tomorrow.


That's all.

One Inappropriate Weekend

1 long weekend + 1 wedding + 1 party of crazy friends (that is the real collective noun of friends believe it or not) = random memories to last a lifetime.
Here are a few quotes from that weekend:

• "You not as regular as me."

• "Be a salmon, first you go upstream, then you have sex, then you die. It's not so bad!"

• "Dasheen- an Indian name."

• "Gallstones are pretty."

• "Nebneb- the sound of a mating stallion."

• "Slumboes- a slumber party for hobos."

• "Don't trip."

• "Use my protection stick."

• "...and they psych, so what would they know."

• "I'd love it if you stuffed money in my pants."

• "Ons gaan nou braai...maar as die weer sleg is gaan ons nou..."

• "Wetward."

• "Wiggle wiggle."

• "You are squashing my potatoes."

• "You can have my mangoes."

• "Yours is so big... that's what she said...

• (Laughing really loudly at the speech) "What did she say?" "I have no idea."

• "A sadist... oh someone who worships Satan."

• "Isn't that called a domanatrix?"

• "I control your tan line."

• "That child is too self-assured to be adopted."

• "That little boy would be so cute if he wasn't a kwashi."

• "Up your bum!"

• "What is it?" "Its a cocaine strip." "What does it smell like?" "Paper."

• 'You're soft...like a marshmallow."

• "May your year be full of sunshine and ramps."

• "You are so thin, I don't know where to hold."

• "I love embryos."

• "There is no lock on the bathroom door...please control your emotions."

That's all.

A Skinny Black Cappuccino

The following conversation took place in a restaurant in Durban:


Customer: Can I have decaf cappuccino please?


Waiter: OK. Do you want a white cappuccino or a black cappuccino?


Customer: Ummm... what is a white cappuccino and what is a black cappuccino?


Waiter: A white cappuccino has milk, a black one doesn't...


Customer: (perplexed) Don't all cappuccinos have some form of milk in it?


Waiter: (silent) 


Customer: (Pages through the menu to have a look at the hot beverages page) Ohhhh! You mean a white chocolate cappuccino and a dark chocolate cappuccino .


Waiter: Yes.


Customer: I'll still have a regular decaf cappuccino thanks.


Waiter: OK.


(A little while later the waiter brings the beverages to the table and leaves)


Customer (to her friend): This is a dark chocolate cappuccino ... guess I look like a black  cappuccino kind of girl...


(Customer leaves the waiter a VERY large tip in the hope that she will use the money to buy herself a clue.)


That's all.

Why Stan is the Man

Stan* is the hospital messenger who puts a smile on my face daily for the following reasons:

• He drives a bright yellow heister without great speed or agility unfortunately.
• He is very short and stout and reminds me of a teapot, an Indian teapot.
• He has perfected the art of visiting our department at the exact second we sit down to have lunch or tea.
• He is nearly as old as the hospital and has many historical tales to tell.
• On hot days he wears a sombrero and I often find myself shouting 'Ola Speedy Gonzales!' across the parking lot.
• He is petrified of a feisty elderly female patient in the ward and refuses to deliver to that ward if she is on the prowl.
• He sneakily steals our tea and sugar and just as we begin to get suspicious he brings us a donation of tea bags or sugar (that he has most likely nicked from another ward).
• He puts my aircon on in the morning so by the time I get into my office it is nice and cool.
• On Friday afternoons when the Psych Department is deserted it is comforting to know that he is sitting outside my door drinking his tea.
• When we praise him he helps us (or does his job).
• He can cook amazing open fire veg biriyani in those big pots. 
• He often gets hurt. I know this isn't a laughing matter but the situations he finds himself in often amuses me. He has: rolled down the uneven corridors leading to the wards one to many times, has gotten attacked by a swarm of bees and has rolled down a hill while trying to escape some unruly strikers.

*Name has been changed to protect confidentiality.

That's all.

Green Eggs & Ham

I rediscovered my love for Dr Seuss after recent visit home. My sister read and reread Green Eggs and Ham to my little nephew and each time he could not contain his delight. The magic of Dr Seuss is that not only does he ignite childrens' love for reading but he also
has a very valuable life lessons to share that only make make sense MUCH later. That is pure genius in my opinion.


Here are a couple of my favourite quotes:

• You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself, any direction you choose. You on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who will decide where to go. - Dr Seuss, Oh the Places You Will Go.

• We are all alittle weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutual weirdness and call it love. - Dr Seuss.

• Don't cry because its over. Smile because it happened. - Dr Seuss

• So be sure when you step, step with care and great tact. And remember that life's a great balancing act. And will you succeed? Yes indeed, yes indeed! (98 and 3/4 % guaranteed). - Dr Seuss.

• Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple. - Dr Seuss.

• You know you in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. - Dr Seuss

• I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, its a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. -Dr Seuss

• Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not. -Dr Seuss, The Lorax.

• A person is a person no matter how small. - Dr Seuss, Horton Hears a Who!

• From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere! - Dr Seuss, One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish.

• I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me! -Dr Seuss

• Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. -Dr Seuss.

• In my world, everyone's a pony and they all eat rainbows and poop butterflies. - Dr Seuss

• Why fit in when you were born to stand out. - Dr Seuss.

My friend also mentions Dr Seuss in her super blog: http://wwwlienkiesblog.blogspot.com/2012/01/random-things.html

That's all.

Cold and Fuzzy

This is currently one of my favourite songs. It has a happy melody, that reminds me of a nursery rhyme, but listening to the words you actually realise it is dark and twisted. I find it cathartic.

Somebody That I Used To Know lyrics
Gotye

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end
Always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
You didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know... 

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
You didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

I used to know
That I used to know

Somebody...


That's all.