Easter Teachings

Under no circumstance is it acceptable to eat hot cross buns on any other day besides Good Friday, in a psychiatric unit.

That's all.

Pucker Up

To express her gratitude and say goodbye, my 76 year old patient with shark teeth, planted a big one on my lips, on her way out.

That's all.

One Random Day

• While speaking to the sister in charge, a female patient did what looked to be a rain dance around me while making spitting motions. What makes this really strange is that I didn't even notice until the nurse warned me to be careful.

• During a group a courier came to deliver a package I was expecting. At first I mistook  the courier as patient wanting to make an appointment. I quickly realised my error and while signing for the package the courier told the group who was waiting for me, he too was where they are and they shouldn't give up hope.

That's all.

Virgin Cocktail

Patron: What virgin cocktails do you have?

Waiter: Fruit cocktail.

Patron: (Bursts out laughing)

Waiter: (Serious face)

Patron: Ummm ok  I'll give it a miss. I'm driving tonight.

That's all.

Hold On To Your Hair

There are a few moments in a girl's life where she wishes she could sink into the ground and never surface again. This is one such moment:

During a workshop a very excited presenter couldn't help wave his arms around vigorously while talking. The presenter didn't notice an unsuspecting woman sitting in the front row who was within his waving range. He ended up hooking the cuff button of his blazer on to this poor woman's hair piece and removed it from her head in one swift movement. Leaving the poor woman shocked and hair-pieceless... and the presenter confused, as he peered down at the black mass hanging from his sleeve. All the ladies in the room cringed on the woman's behalf. She handled it well though. She smiled, ripped it off his sleeve and returned it to its rightful place on her head.

That's all.

What a Pretty Bush

Conversation that occurred in a conservative household in Durban:

Friend 1: My mother is considering firing our domestic.

Friend 2: What? Why?!

Friend 1: She made the gardener plant dagga in our garden.

Friend 2: You have dagga growing in your garden?!

Friend 1: Yes. My gran found it the other day.

Friend 2: Your gran? You guys didn't see it?

Friend 1: No.

Friend 2: Hahahaha. Sorry but it's funny that in a house filled with doctors no one was able to recognise a dagga plant.

Friend 1: It is so bad! How could our domestic do this.

Friend 2: You know your little niece plays in the garden and enjoys force feeding me Biryani she made from leaves. Just saying...

Friend 1: We have to get rid of it!

Friend 2: I suggest a bonfire and invite me over. That will be fun after a rough day hehehe.

Friend 1: Yeah and my gran will probably join in.

Friend 2: She can dance around the fire hahaha!

Friend 1's disapproving brother who had been listening: Yes and then we will probably all end up at King John* (psychiatric hospital I work at).

*name has been changed

That's all.

Crouching Tiger Upward Facing Dragon

During an interview with my 76 year old patient, she insisted I feel how firm her quads and glutes are. She then proceeded to show me how flexible she is by doing this move, repeatedly, in the consulting room:

A few other things I learnt from my enlightening hour with this lady:

• Honey never gets old. Historians have found honey in tombs with mummies.
• Apple cider vinegar can cure many ailments.
• "Ink is better than think" (particularly helpful if you presenting with signs of dementia)
• Muslim people are meticulously clean. Meticulously. And also generous.
• My thighs feel like jelly compared to hers.

That's all.

Trailblazer

After this acceptance speech at the MTV Movie Awards, Emma Stone solidified her title as one of my favourite actresses:

“So, I looked up the actual definition of trailblazer, and it means ‘someone who blazes a trail to be followed by others.’ And that’s an honor that you’re associated with a concept like that, but the only thing I can hope that something like this award inspires is originality. Because the trailblazers that I’ve looked up to and been inspired by are people like Gilda Radnor and Bill Murray and John Candy; and Charlie Chaplin, and the Beatles, and J.D. Salinger; and Lorne Michaels, who reminds me of the importance of comedy; and Cameron Crowe, whose work consistently reminds me why I want to be an actor. Those people are my creative trailblazers, but I’m not following any of their paths. What’s incredible about them is they make me want to be more myself, because they’re all originals. And I hope that you’ll find your trailblazers — and trust me, I do not need to be one of them, I probably shouldn’t be — but that you’ll continue to harness your own originality and what makes you unique. Because I know that when you’re a teenager, and even sometimes when you’re an adult, what sets you apart can feel like a burden. And it’s not; a lot of the time, it’s what makes you great.” - Emma Stone

That's all.

Get Your Dance On

These are a few of my favourite dance scenes from movies:

Napoleon Dynamite in Napoleon Dynamite

Latrell Spencer in White Chicks

Reuben Feffer in Along Came Polly

Alfred Brenaman in Hitch

That's all.

The Girl Who Wasn't There

Discussion that occurred in a ward round:


OT: Doctor I would like to discuss Simon with you.


Doctor: Yes! Out of all the patients in the ward I think he needs OT most urgently!


OT: (Sigh) Doctor I have been treating Simon for nearly a year now... I was the one who actually suggested he be admitted because I feared he was relapsing.


Doctor: (Thinks for a few seconds)... Are you Nadine?


OT: Yes I am...


Doctor: Oh my word! He has been asking for you for weeks! We always thought you were one of his delusions.


OT: No, I am very much a real person...


That's all.

The Love Boat

As this is meant to be an anonymous blog I prefer not to use real names or add pictures of people in my life but this one was just too good not share!

Love Boat

Love Boat: The Sequel

That's all.

Cute Kid

I love this little girls covers' of popular songs. I actually like this version better than the original. What do you think?

That's all.

The Once Was a Man Who...

• Believed he was an apple.

• Mistook his wife for the goat next door (I believe in some situations this could be an honest mistake).

That's all.

A 2003 Virgin

After a waiter (who calls himself the wine specialist) explained the wine list, in great depth, to the table, he began to get annoyed when he realised the table was probably not going to order any wine. To ease the tension the following comments were made:


Diner 1: I'd like the 2003 virgin.


Diner 2: I think she is a little young.


That's all.

Dolphin Man

Someone made me think of this scene from the movie 'Bedazzled' recently. It really is very funny.

That's all.

Awkward

Is when your cellphone rings repeatedly, while you are having your eyes tested by the optometrist...and your ring tone is 'Sexy and I Know it'.


That's all.

A Randy Poodle

My landlord's Maltese Poodle tends to get frisky with his blanket now and again and this has caused a certain memory of mine to resurface.


Many years ago, when my beloved Maltese Poodle was still alive the following incident occurred:


One summers day, my father and I witnessed my poodle having his way with a rather large beach ball on the grass next to the pool. Sensing my conservative father's disgust, I attempted to ease the tension with a witty comment: "Mini-me stop humping the laser!" This unfortantely, only served to further aggravate my father and he retorted: "You can see this dog is from Lavender Hill!" (a rough area on the Cape flats), before storming off.


That's all.

A Creative Defaulter

Patient: Hi


OT: Hi DJ! Where have you been?! You have missed your appointments for the last 4 months!


Patient: I've been busy.


OT: Busy doing what?


Patient: I took up swimming.


OT: Swimming... OK good, can we make an appointment for you for next month?


Patient: I'm sort of occupied.


OT: Are you coming to collect medication next month?


Patient: Yes.


OT: OK so on that day you won't be occupied. Come and see me after you collect your medication.


Patient: The thing is I normally see Mishka.


OT: Mishka stopped working here nearly a year ago. You know that. You have been coming to see me for months now.


Patient: After Mishka left I used to see Lauren.


OT: There has never been a therapist by the name of Lauren that worked here. DJ are you trying to avoid me because I make you work hard in therapy and don't accept excuses?


Patient: No


OT: OK. Ill see you next month then :-). What time can I expect you?


Patient: Ummm...


OT: ( Looks at patient's appointment card). You can come and see me at 08h30.


Patient: Make it 09h00.


OT: But you are collecting your medication at 08h00. You know you normally come to me after you put your card in the box, so let's make it at 08h30.


Patient: Ill see you at at 09h00.


OT: (Sigh)


Lets hope DJ pitches for his appointment tomorrow.


That's all.

One Inappropriate Weekend

1 long weekend + 1 wedding + 1 party of crazy friends (that is the real collective noun of friends believe it or not) = random memories to last a lifetime.
Here are a few quotes from that weekend:

• "You not as regular as me."

• "Be a salmon, first you go upstream, then you have sex, then you die. It's not so bad!"

• "Dasheen- an Indian name."

• "Gallstones are pretty."

• "Nebneb- the sound of a mating stallion."

• "Slumboes- a slumber party for hobos."

• "Don't trip."

• "Use my protection stick."

• "...and they psych, so what would they know."

• "I'd love it if you stuffed money in my pants."

• "Ons gaan nou braai...maar as die weer sleg is gaan ons nou..."

• "Wetward."

• "Wiggle wiggle."

• "You are squashing my potatoes."

• "You can have my mangoes."

• "Yours is so big... that's what she said...

• (Laughing really loudly at the speech) "What did she say?" "I have no idea."

• "A sadist... oh someone who worships Satan."

• "Isn't that called a domanatrix?"

• "I control your tan line."

• "That child is too self-assured to be adopted."

• "That little boy would be so cute if he wasn't a kwashi."

• "Up your bum!"

• "What is it?" "Its a cocaine strip." "What does it smell like?" "Paper."

• 'You're soft...like a marshmallow."

• "May your year be full of sunshine and ramps."

• "You are so thin, I don't know where to hold."

• "I love embryos."

• "There is no lock on the bathroom door...please control your emotions."

That's all.

A Skinny Black Cappuccino

The following conversation took place in a restaurant in Durban:


Customer: Can I have decaf cappuccino please?


Waiter: OK. Do you want a white cappuccino or a black cappuccino?


Customer: Ummm... what is a white cappuccino and what is a black cappuccino?


Waiter: A white cappuccino has milk, a black one doesn't...


Customer: (perplexed) Don't all cappuccinos have some form of milk in it?


Waiter: (silent) 


Customer: (Pages through the menu to have a look at the hot beverages page) Ohhhh! You mean a white chocolate cappuccino and a dark chocolate cappuccino .


Waiter: Yes.


Customer: I'll still have a regular decaf cappuccino thanks.


Waiter: OK.


(A little while later the waiter brings the beverages to the table and leaves)


Customer (to her friend): This is a dark chocolate cappuccino ... guess I look like a black  cappuccino kind of girl...


(Customer leaves the waiter a VERY large tip in the hope that she will use the money to buy herself a clue.)


That's all.