Easter Teachings

Under no circumstance is it acceptable to eat hot cross buns on any other day besides Good Friday, in a psychiatric unit.

That's all.

Pucker Up

To express her gratitude and say goodbye, my 76 year old patient with shark teeth, planted a big one on my lips, on her way out.

That's all.

One Random Day

• While speaking to the sister in charge, a female patient did what looked to be a rain dance around me while making spitting motions. What makes this really strange is that I didn't even notice until the nurse warned me to be careful.

• During a group a courier came to deliver a package I was expecting. At first I mistook  the courier as patient wanting to make an appointment. I quickly realised my error and while signing for the package the courier told the group who was waiting for me, he too was where they are and they shouldn't give up hope.

That's all.

Virgin Cocktail

Patron: What virgin cocktails do you have?

Waiter: Fruit cocktail.

Patron: (Bursts out laughing)

Waiter: (Serious face)

Patron: Ummm ok  I'll give it a miss. I'm driving tonight.

That's all.

Hold On To Your Hair

There are a few moments in a girl's life where she wishes she could sink into the ground and never surface again. This is one such moment:

During a workshop a very excited presenter couldn't help wave his arms around vigorously while talking. The presenter didn't notice an unsuspecting woman sitting in the front row who was within his waving range. He ended up hooking the cuff button of his blazer on to this poor woman's hair piece and removed it from her head in one swift movement. Leaving the poor woman shocked and hair-pieceless... and the presenter confused, as he peered down at the black mass hanging from his sleeve. All the ladies in the room cringed on the woman's behalf. She handled it well though. She smiled, ripped it off his sleeve and returned it to its rightful place on her head.

That's all.

What a Pretty Bush

Conversation that occurred in a conservative household in Durban:

Friend 1: My mother is considering firing our domestic.

Friend 2: What? Why?!

Friend 1: She made the gardener plant dagga in our garden.

Friend 2: You have dagga growing in your garden?!

Friend 1: Yes. My gran found it the other day.

Friend 2: Your gran? You guys didn't see it?

Friend 1: No.

Friend 2: Hahahaha. Sorry but it's funny that in a house filled with doctors no one was able to recognise a dagga plant.

Friend 1: It is so bad! How could our domestic do this.

Friend 2: You know your little niece plays in the garden and enjoys force feeding me Biryani she made from leaves. Just saying...

Friend 1: We have to get rid of it!

Friend 2: I suggest a bonfire and invite me over. That will be fun after a rough day hehehe.

Friend 1: Yeah and my gran will probably join in.

Friend 2: She can dance around the fire hahaha!

Friend 1's disapproving brother who had been listening: Yes and then we will probably all end up at King John* (psychiatric hospital I work at).

*name has been changed

That's all.

Crouching Tiger Upward Facing Dragon

During an interview with my 76 year old patient, she insisted I feel how firm her quads and glutes are. She then proceeded to show me how flexible she is by doing this move, repeatedly, in the consulting room:

A few other things I learnt from my enlightening hour with this lady:

• Honey never gets old. Historians have found honey in tombs with mummies.
• Apple cider vinegar can cure many ailments.
• "Ink is better than think" (particularly helpful if you presenting with signs of dementia)
• Muslim people are meticulously clean. Meticulously. And also generous.
• My thighs feel like jelly compared to hers.

That's all.